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 So, it's been a long long time. 
Or so it seems.
I have had the CRAZIEST ups and downs over the past month. 
From Erinn getting her transplant, to Leesa coming to see me, getting caught in Paparazzi pics with Paris Hilton, going to Club Element and Mood in Hollywood, sneaking into an Emmy party and hanging out with some of my favorite stars, to the reason I'm in Arizona today..
Erinn passed away on September 15th at 3:15 am.
It still doesn't feel real to me, and I have found myself wanting to tell her things more and more each day.
I mean for crying out loud, MTV is having a So You Think You Can Dance marathon this weekend.
Her favorite show. 
She was taken too soon.
It was just too soon.
While it was awesome to see everyone at the memorial, I did not ever want to attend that event. 
I never wanted it to come. 

tick, tock,tick, tock
she stares wistfully at the clock
waiting in the stone cold silence for an answer
an absolution to the growing admiration in her heart
one that she earns in the darkness of her room
No one can hear, and no one can see
That's how he likes it
And she's beginning to think that's how he likes her as well
She pushes those thoughts away and when the digital screen lights up illuminating
the darkness and slicing the stoic air with a farmiliar song 
Her heart races and her demeanor softens
No matter the reason, she knows he was thinking of her- and for a moment she feels beautiful.
Each layer of clothing she takes off bares deep into her soul. 
She swears he can see her bleeding heart beneath her heaving breast as he pants her name in ecstacy.
She wonders why such bliss can bring her such shame all alone in the darkness of her room
He sees her curvy silouette, but not the intelligence and adoration in the depths of her mind and heart.
And she knows that she will never be good enough.
No matter how much she gives him his thirst will never be quenched.
He'll leave her with a permanent scar etched on her soft flesh- one that she'll spend the rest of her life pretending never existed
And when she's telling everyone how she has moved on and her life is so much better, she knows that the burden her heart carries is as fresh as ever 
His face still plagues her thoughts, contaminating any new ideas of love.
And now she sits-enveloped in the ebony blanket of her room-praying that she will cross his mind so that just for one moment she can feel beautiful-just so she can feel broken all over again.

3 weeks and 2 days!

Until I move.

Like I said, not worth it.

I love crying myself to sleep.
It's the best.


So basically bethany and I danced up a STORM at JT.
It was seriously the best concert I've ever been to.
We sat behind his cousin/personal assistant and talked to her.
I am so glad that Britta, Erinn, Bethany and I all went together.
It was a blasty blast. 
From ridin' dirty in the caddy, hitting up Carls Jr, getting hit on by skeevy rappers at gas stations, rockin' out to JT,
stealing seats lol, and the crazy KISS fm girl.. it was amazing.
Love you girls!
JT weekend was a success.
Too bad it's over :0(
I refuse to wait another 3 years to see him again though. 
His ass better add a second leg to the tour.. otherwise... well.. something bad will happen.
Now LA on Thursssdaaaaay.


My dad's tighter than yours.

I love my dad.
We have an awesome AWESOME bond.
I can talk to him about seriously anything..and he doesn't treat me like a kid.
I'm like his equal.
We talk about cooking, celebrities, my baby brother, music, music, he tries to threaten any boys
in my life, tease each other, oh and did I mention music?
I love my Daddy.

Good ones.

“Tragedies happen. So what are you gonna do...give up? Quit? No...I realized that when your heart breaks you gotta fight like hell to stay strong - and the pain you feel... that's life... the confusion and the fear - it's there to remind you that somewhere there's something better out there - and that something is worth fighting for..."

What’s better: a lie that draws a smile or the truth that draws a tear?

There are only three things a girl needs in life.....love to feel weak, alcohol to feel strong, and friends to pick her up when both make her hit the floor.

"The best things in life are unseen, that's why we close our eyes when we kiss, pray, and dream!"

Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the @#%$ out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

"Fate determines who walks into your life. You decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go."

When love hurts, love harder. When hope dies, hope more.

If you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders..

Maybe you don’t believe it’s real unless someone is playing hard to get – Sex and the City


Today's been a good day.
This weekend was really fun.
I'm so stoked to go home.
And I just found out that I get to go home for 6 days over christmas break.
I'm just so happy about it.
So now Ii have to get to cleaning.
And try and start my English hwk.
Kay. ttyl!
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I'm making my journal Friends only now. So if you want to add me, I'll add you ;-)

<3 Jac